For The Lazy Ones
by Suti Ookami
Summary: Haven't played the Dreamcast Sonic games? No problem! We've conveniently supplied the plots of SA1, Sonic Shuffle, and SA2! Sonic games copyrighted to Sonic Team.
1. Sonic Adventure 1: The Watering

Knuckles: Zzz...   
Master Emerald: Kaboomie!  
Knuckles: The Master Emerald just exploded while I was off duty! For shame! Who did that?   
Tikal: Twinkle, twinkle. I'm just a ball of light! Don't mind me!  
Chaos Zero: Blub.  
Knuckles: A watery thing! Since you're standing next to it, I'll assume it was you. Hi-keeba!   
Chaos Zero: Blub.  
Knuckles: Oh, Angel Island's falling. Violently squishing people is fun!  
  
Sonic: I can jump between sky scrapers and not die because I'm the hero! Whee! Oh, look, crime scene.  
Chaos Zero: Die, humans!  
Police: A monster! KILLITKILLIT! ...Oh, our guns don't work on the creature made out of water. Let's just run away then. AIEEE!  
Sonic: Hi-keeba!  
Chaos Zero: Blub.  
Eggman: We're gonna kick your aaaass, we're gonna kick your aaaass.  
  
Tails: Flying highly experimental and highly dangerous planes over heavily populated areas is fun! Oh, the ground is certainly approaching quickly today. Aieee!  
Sonic: Let me help you up!  
Tails: Lookit! A chaos emerald! SHINYYYYYY. Follow the shiny!  
Sonic: Oohh, shiny...  
Eggman: Hi! I'm the villain! I'm Doctor Eggman! Or was it Doctor Robotnik? Look at the shiny emerald, Chaos! SHINY!  
Chaos One: Blub.  
Eggman: Chaos is the god of destruction! Albeit a squishy and hugable one! Bye!  
Sonic: Bastard!  
Tails: Let's go get the other emeralds!  
Sonic: Okay!  
  
Knuckles: Finding emerald pieces, finding emerald pieces... Oh, a sentient light!  
Tikal: Behold, Knuckles, your honorable ancestry.  
Echidna tribe: HYPER HYPER HYPER HYPER! WHEEEE!  
Chief Pachacamac: Even though we've shown incredible battle prowess thus far, we must steal the emeralds from the innocent little chao so we can really get medieval on those foreigners' asses.  
Tikal: Oh no you don't!  
  
Eggman: Boo!  
Sonic and Tails: Eek!  
Eggman: I'll knock you two out. Even though I could have killed you in your sleep, I won't, because that would be smart. Hey, look, another emerald.  
Sonic: Bastard! I mean, zzz.  
Knuckles: Hey, it's Eggman, and he's holding something shiny. Paranoia kicks in with a vengence. Gimme!  
Eggman: This isn't it!  
Knuckles: Oh, nevermind.  
Chaos Two: Die, echidna!  
Eggman: Okay, now that you've effectively beat up a god, why don't you go bother Sonic and Tails for a while? They have Master Emerald pieces!  
Knuckles: Okay! Kill!  
  
Knuckles: Even though I got my information from Eggman, who has tricked me in the past, I'm going to believe him. Sonic and Tails are trying to steal the Master Emerald! Hi-keeba!  
Sonic: Bastard!  
Eggman: Hi! Thanks for the emeralds.  
Sonic: Bastard!  
Chaos Four: Die, hedgehog!  
Eggman: Exposition! Behold my big shiny red aircraft that eerily resembles a certain bodypart we won't go into! Bye now!  
Sonic: Bastard!  
Tails: Let's get my other plane, the one I DIDN'T crash, and stop him. Oops, we crashed anyway.  
  
Gamma: I'm one of the coolest characters, but my storyline will be short anyway.  
Tikal: You get some of the plot regardless! To the past!  
Chao: Listen to us squeal!  
Tikal: How cute.  
Chaos: Hi there! I'm their god!  
Tikal: Aiee killitkillitkilli- I mean, hello.  
  
Big: I don't do anything particularly important in the story, other than chase my frog around.   
Tikal: But you'll get told some of the plot anyway!   
  
Knuckles: Finding emerald pieces, finding emerald pieces. Oh damn, that light again.   
Tikal: Beat it, Chaos!  
Chaos: Neverrr!  
Tikal: I'll actually have to communicate with my father, then.  
Knuckles: Stop confusing meeee! Hey, the Master Emerald is almost finished. Time to follow that convenient robot to get the rest of it.  
Gamma: Off to blow up/save my siblings. This is the only game in which destroying and rescuing means the same thing!  
  
Amy: Whine whine whine, all I get to do all day is shop and whine. Oh, a bird just nailed me in the head. And a robot is chasing it. Of course I'll get involved! That means Sonic will have to rescue me at some point!  
  
Tails: I'm unconscious! Memories, ooh, memories. Sonic helped me a lot by letting me run after him that one day in the jungle. Hey, a frog with a Chaos Emerald.  
Tikal: And now, for an important flashback. I'll recite poetry for you!  
Tails: Uh, that's nice.  
Big: Hand over the frog!  
Froggy: Quick escape! Whee!  
Tails: A large, overweight cat just flung himself at me bodily because I was holding a frog. Life can get no stranger now. Well, at least I still have the Emerald. Even though I had no time to repair it or even work on it, really, the prototype plane is fixed and works perfectly now.  
  
Sonic: Hey, I survived the fall from Tails' plane. That's the power of being the hero, I suppose.   
Amy: Sonic!  
Sonic: AIEEE KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT- I mean, hi, Amy!  
Amy: Save this bird.  
Sonic: Aiee!  
Amy: No, that's MY line. I've got to be kidnapped, after all. Aiee!  
Sonic: Oh, she's prisoner of Eggman now. I guess that in order to be the hero I have to save her.   
Tails: Tally ho!  
  
Gamma: Hand over the bird.  
Amy: No. Set us free!  
Bird: Staaaaaaare.  
Gamma: Okay.  
  
Knuckles: I'm done. Time to go home!  
Tikal: Forget that! Look, everything in the past is on fire, even though Chaos is a water-based lifeform! Chew on THAT for a while.  
  
Eggman: If my transforming aircraft won't stop you, this robot will!  
Amy: No! Leave the poor, innocent, heavily-armed robot alone!  
Sonic: ...Okay!  
Tails: The Egg Carrier is exploding. I don't know why, but it is!  
Eggman: If my transforming aircraft and my robot won't stop you, Chaos will!  
Chaos Six: Blub.   
Sonic: Hi-keeba!  
Chaos Six: Aieee!  
Eggman: ...Oooor not. Bye now!  
Sonic: Bastard! I'm going to jump off this aircraft without a parachute to get you! And I'll survive because I'm the hero! Whee!  
Chaos Six: Blub.  
Knuckles: Hi-keeba!  
Chaos Six: Aieee!  
  
Amy: Okay, birdie. Let's find your family.  
Gamma: Conveniently, I am its family, and I blew up a little while ago thanks to plot contrivance.  
Amy: Well, that was easy. Time to spout cheesy lines about seducing Sonic as if I don't have any other aspirations! I just love how I was written.  
  
Knuckles: Look, the Island can float again! Time to sit around and whine about being alone.  
  
Tikal: Look at me! I'm shiny light!  
Sonic: Must follow the shinyyyy liiiight. Oh, an ancient temple. With an ancient painting of Chaos! Foreshadowing. Whoop, sudden change of scenery.  
Tikal: The chao are unconscious, my own people beat me up, and a once-peaceful god is on a rampage. Time to exploit the Master Emerald!  
Sonic: Okay! Oh, I woke up. Everything's back to normal now. Hey, it's Eggman! Bastard!  
Eggman: Aiee!  
Sonic: Well, that's that. Time to go lay around somewhere until the finale.  
  
Eggman: I must succeed somehow, even if that means blowing myself up with a missle! Whee! ...No explosion? Oh, it's a dud. I'll fix that!  
Tails: You're not setting it off, if only so that I can have SOME character development at some point in the series! Hi-keeba!  
Eggman: Aiee!  
  
Knuckles: I have six emeralds extra to guard now, go me. Oh, the Island fell again. I wonder if that's bad.  
Chaos Zero: Hi-keeba!  
Knuckles: Crap. We're screwed.  
  
Tails: Knuckles is in a jam! To the batcave! ...I mean, Angel Island!  
Sonic: Okay!  
Tikal: Instead of letting you go get the last emerald and preventing the utter destruction of humanity, I'll use the last vital moments to distract you with the past.   
Sonic: ...Okay!  
Chief Pacachamac: Beat my daughter up! Hurt the innocent little animals! We must get the shiny things!  
Echidna Tribe: SHINY THINGS! CHARGE!  
Chaos: Chaos Control! ...I mean, RAAAUGH!  
Echidna Tribe: Aiee!  
Sonic: Ooh, that sucks.  
Tikal: Seven servers chant, seven servers chant, this is the seven servers chant. Of course my grandma knew this day would come, she had a copy of the script. Time to piss Chaos off!   
  
Tails: While you were having fantasies about civilizations being destroyed, Chaos got the last emerald and is on his way to destroy the city and eventually, the world. What do you have to say about that?  
Sonic: Oops. ...Let's go watch!  
  
Perfect Chaos: Because an ancient people filled with greed knocked my chao over, I'm going to make your toilets overflow! Mwahahaha!  
Eggman: Not if I have anything to say about it!  
Perfect Chaos: Die, human!  
Eggman: Yara kanjiii!  
Tikal: Let's lock him up again so next time he'll be REALLY good and pissed!  
Sonic: Shut up. We're going to help him by beating the shit out of him! Hey, look, it's the emeralds. And there are people who actually survived Perfect Chaos' flood? Oh well. That doesn't matter right now! I'm shiny and they're cheering my name! Cue the game's main theme! Whee!  
Perfect Chaos: Raaaugh! Owie!   
Tikal: See the chao? They're happy, so you can stop your tantrum.   
Chaos Zero: Okay!  
Tikal: Since we were locked away in the emerald for thousands of years, we're technically dead. Let's ascend into video game heaven together!  
Amy: This is such a touching moment...  
Tails: ...Can we go now?  
Sonic: Whoa, the city's really trashed. I'm not cleaning this up! I'm outta here!  
Knuckles: And there he goes.  
Tails: And you know, despite all of the wreckage, the flood of water, the shattered buildings and highways, the probably thousands of dead bodies... the city will be just fine in a few months, when it comes time for us to run through it at the beginning of Sonic Shuffle.  
  
Tikal: Look! A happy picture of the two of us and some chao! Be happy, everyone! Happy!  
Chaos: Yes. You'll need the squishyness for when you beat SA2. Trust us on this one.  
  
END 


	2. Sonic Shuffle: Beating Up Small Children

Sonic: A burst of light! RUN FOR THE SHINY!  
Sonic, Knuckles, Tails, and Amy: SHINYYY!  
Lumina: Yo! Our large shiny rock broke because someone touched it! Illumina is banished to another dimension! Help up!  
Sonic: We're heroes, so of course we'll get involved with conflicts we only have a bare understanding of.  
Lumina: Okay. I want you to kick this little boy's ass!  
Knuckles: I'm good at that!  
  
Lumina: Okay, first, we're going to this beach. It's frozen over. That's a bad thing. FIX IT!  
All: Okay.  
  
Void: I didn't mean to do it! I just wanted to be friends!   
Lumina: LIES!  
  
Illumina: Hurry it up, because there's nothing worse than being someplace vaguely defined.   
  
Lumina: Next is this airplane here. It's actually a bird. Ignore the explosions and the wings breaking off, because gravity sure will. FIX IT!  
All: Okay.  
  
Void: I'm going to hint that I have no real desire to destroy Maginarywhirl, now.  
Lumina: LIES!  
  
Lumina: And now for a jungle. A few trees are withering and some electronics are sprouting from the ground. FIX IT!  
All: Okay.  
  
Illumina: Hi!   
All: Hi!  
Illumina: Character development!  
All: Character development!  
Illumina: Bye now!  
  
Void: I didn't mean to, okay? Stop picking on me!  
Knuckles: Shut up!  
Void: Meanie!  
  
Lumina: Here's a train. Uh, it's going on a track. FIX IT!  
Sonic: Er... but aren't trains normally supposed to-  
Lumina: JUST DO IT!  
All: Okay.  
  
Void: Be nice to me! I'm a valid and normal part of-  
Lumina: DON'T SPOIL THE PLOT YET! SHH!  
  
Lumina: This is where all the worlds are kept. We can move upside down! Oh, the worlds are kinda dim. FIX IT!  
All: Okay.  
  
Lumina: Void's going to destroy our universe!  
Void: No, you have it wrong! I just want to be loved!  
Sonic: Bastard!  
Lumina: We hate you!  
Mecha Void: You're a bunch of meanies! PREPARE TO DIE.  
Lumina: Quick, jump on these light panels and drop things on his head!  
All: Okay.  
Mecha Void: OWIE!  
Lumina: Oh yeah, he and I are actually the light and dark halves of Illumina. Or are we actually two seperate people, a guardian and a creature from a distant land, with Illumina banished to a pocket universe? We'll be as vague and confusing about that as we possibly can.   
Sonic: We came all this way to find out that you might or might not have been lying about numerous things! FIX IT!  
Void: Love me!  
Lumina: Okay.  
Illumina: I'm back! Thanks for handling what might have been schizophrenia by mercilessly beating the crap out of what could have been my negative half.  
All: No problem. Bye!  
  
Lumina: They helped me! Now that the credits are over, I can stalk them.  
  
END  
  
Void: H-hey, wait, that can't be the end! YOU'RE STILL REFERING TO ME AS A VILLAIN! I'M JUST A SAD, CONFUSED, LOST LITTLE BOY! ARE YOU LISTENING?!  
All: Nope.  
Void: Waaah! 


	3. Sonic Adventure 2: Journey of the Angsty...

Eggman: Hi, I'm Dr. Eggman! Or was it Dr. Robotnik? I'm the villain!  
Shadow: Brr, that was chilly. Time to blow stuff up!  
Eggman: Whee!  
Shadow: Done! Okay, let's blow things up even more. Get the Deus Ex Machina Gems- I mean, Chaos Emeralds, and let's go to a long-abandoned and probably extremely dangerous, thinly-veiled Bible reference floating in space. Bye now!  
Eggman: Bye!  
  
Sonic: I can jump out of a helicopter and not die because I'm the hero! Whee!  
  
Knuckles: My emerald!  
Rouge: My emerald!  
Eggman: No, MY emerald.  
Knuckles: Hi-keeba!  
Rouge: Augh, you broke it! Now we have to have endure almost a dozen levels that involve bad rap and annoying jazz music!  
  
Shadow: Yay! I'm on TV! Exposition, angst! Mariaaa!  
  
Sonic: I regretfully blow you up.   
Shadow: Hi there!  
Sonic: Arg! You bastard!  
Shadow: Lookit what I can do! Deus ex Machina Control! I mean, Chaos Control! I'm the ultimate lifeform. Oop, that's enough exposition for now. Gotta run.  
Sonic: Even though I have a completely different combination of fur colors, quill structure, and marking pattern than Shadow, the military thinks I'm him. There's social commentary in here somewhere. Looks like I'm in jail now.  
  
Shadow: If we get all the Chaos Emeralds, we can blow things up! You know, the moon and stuff!  
Rouge: Like hell you are. Without me, at least.  
Eggman: Oh! A random scantily clad woman who snuck aboard the space colony!   
Shadow: We know nothing about you or how you got here. Join us!  
Rouge: Okay.  
  
Amy: Yay! Even though you're black and red you must be Sonic! Even I can't tell the difference, for the sake of humor!  
Shadow: If I ignore her, she'll go away.  
Eggman: BOO!  
Amy: Eeek!  
Tails: Time to save Sonic. Oops, Amy first.  
  
Shadow: I'm ready to blow stuff up! Specifically, the island. Here we go!  
Rouge: Got the Emeralds! Oops, no, wait, you have to save me. It's in my Female Character contract.  
Shadow: My obsession with a long-dead girl compels me to rescue you.  
Sonic: Bastard!  
Eggman: Let's blow stuff up now!  
Sonic: ...Bastard!  
Shadow: There you are, Rouge. Deus ex Machina Control! Wow, look at the pretty explosion. ...Why did we blow it up, again?  
  
Knuckles: Finding emerald shards, finding emerald shards, doo doo doo...  
  
Shadow: Angst angst angst. Oh Maria. I stare out windows for you. Angst.  
Rouge: Thanks for saving me.  
Shadow: Shut up.   
Eggman: Let's make the moon explode!  
Shadow and Rouge: Yay!  
  
Tails: Wow, the moon is half gone now! Well, that'll mess the tides up. Or the moon will spin out of orbit and crash into the earth.  
Amy: And it would really make that 'when the moon hits your eye' song literal.   
Tails: Actually, we can ignore basic astrophysics for the sake of the storyline. Let's break into the President's limo!  
Sonic: Good idea!  
Amy: I'll just tag along and whine.  
Knuckles: Look at me! I'm in a sewer!  
  
Eggman: You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.  
President: Oh goodness.  
Sonic: Not as long as I can spew Engrish and confuse the hell out of high authority figures!  
  
Eggman: Well, that was silly.  
Rouge: Tails has the last emerald.  
Eggman: Follow that freak of nature!  
Shadow and Rouge: 'Kay.  
  
Rouge: Well, we followed him... right back to Eggman's base.   
Shadow: That was pointless.  
  
Knuckles: That's Eggman's pyramid. I just know that. Don't ask me how. Eek, a ghost! Killitkillitkilli- problem solved!  
Eggman: I'll crush you all with a large sentient rock. Oh, wait, it's going to crush me instead. AIEE!  
Sonic: A space shuttle! That's very convenient. Bye now!   
Tails: Huh! The Master Emerald is floating into space.  
Knuckles: I have to crash the shuttle in order to save it! Hi-keeba!  
Amy: Look, I'm still here!  
  
Rouge: I'm a Strong Female Character, but I'm going to have to get rescued again anyway, because no self-respecting fictional female would save herself when there's a male around. Eek!  
Knuckles: I saved you even though you could have easily just flown out of harm's way. Oh, and I'm going to lie about my feelings.  
Rouge: Me too. Have your emerald back. Bye!  
Knuckles: Bye!  
  
Eggman: Amy's in trouble again. Inconvienence yourself and rescue her.  
Sonic: Bastard!  
Eggman: There's two yellow emeralds, I noticed.  
Tails: Yeah, and this is the real one! ...Oops.  
Eggman: Let's see what happens when we blow hedgehogs up!  
Sonic: Hell no. Ex Deus Machina Control!  
  
Rouge: Cleptomania kicks in with a vengence. And hey! Some exposition about the Chaos Emeralds!  
Shadow: I realized something! You're a spy for the government!  
Rouge: Oh yeah? Well, YOU might not the real ultimate life form, so run along and have one more incoherent level song that questions your true origins.  
  
Sonic: Hi, Knuckles! Just escaping death using Deus Ex Machina.  
Knuckles: Hi, Sonic! Just wandering aimlessly until I'm needed for the finale.  
Sonic: Gotta go make the colony malfunction. Bye!  
Shadow: Oh no you don't!  
Sonic: Let's run down this endless platform for a while.  
Shadow: Okay, but we're using MY incoherent level music for it.  
  
Eggman: Whee! Earth blow up NOW! ...No explosion? Oh, we're ALL going to die instead. How nice.  
Rouge: And now for some major exposition.  
Gerald's memory: So, yeah, the military murdered Maria, destroyed my life's work, and now I shall die. But you're all coming with me!  
Sonic: Isn't that special. Oh yeah, I'm alive!   
Rouge: I'm contributing SOMETHING to this plot! Knuckles, exploit the Master Emerald!  
Knuckles: 'Kay.  
  
Shadow: Screw you all! I'm going to go angst some more, while you go beyond your petty quarrels and demonstrate true teamwork!  
  
Amy: I'm about to die and all I can do is whine. I just love how I was written.  
Shadow: Instead of trying to save countless innocent lives that had nothing to do with the destruction of everything I know and love, I'm going to angst and pretend that Maria wanted me to make everyone die violently in her memory.  
Amy: Get your ass down there and save the world.  
Shadow: I just somehow realize that Maria told me to SAVE people, not kill them. D'oh! I have to cry a little and go be a good guy now.  
  
Knuckles: Look! A Deus Ex Machina shrine!  
Gerald's memory: Not so fast!  
Biolizard: RAAAUGH!  
Sonic and Knuckles: Oh shit.  
Shadow: I'll beat you down with some angsty music! Hi-keeba!  
Biolizard: Owie!   
Knuckles: Look, I'm doing the "seven servers" chant from the first Sonic Adventure! References to other games are cool. But we're still going to die.  
Eggman: The Biolizard changed its name and impaled itself on the outside of the colony!  
Sonic: Well, we need an excuse to go into our Chaos-enriched forms at least once a game anyway. Look how shiny we are!  
Knuckles: I'm just gonna stand here and gawk, if you don't mind.  
  
Shadow: Cue the game's main theme! It's not angsty because I'm a happy hedgehog now and, more importantly, I'm shiny. Oh look, Biolizard--I mean, Finalhazard's dead.   
Sonic: Whee! Stick the ARK back where it belongs!  
Shadow and Sonic: Ex Deus Machina control!  
Shadow: Let's go live happy now.  
Sonic Team: Sorry, you have to die for no apparent reason. We can't have you running around being happy and powerful in the next Sonic Adventure.  
Shadow: Just in case you change your mind, I'm going to plummet to Earth while in my super form into what looks like a portal of light which gives you plenty of opportunity for ret-con.  
  
Sonic: So, he's dead, and even though I didn't like him much until the end, I'm going to be sad while everyone else stands around and completely forgets him.  
Rouge: I'll remember him for a few minutes and then hit on Knuckles.   
Knuckles: But I'm oblivious to all that. Can we go home now? Angel Island must have squished someone violently by now.   
Eggman: Tails and I hate each other, but I'll say stuff to him about my grandpa anyway.  
Sonic: Oh, Shadow, you're dead. I'm going to mourn you properly and cry just like normal people.  
Amy: Oh no you're not! Force those emotions down or the yaoi writers will get ideas!  
Sonic: Too late. Time to meaningfully quote Maria, even though I have no idea who she was.  
  
Shadow: I had a sucky life with what could be a sucky death unless Sonic Team likes me enough to bring me back, but hey, at least I get a neat picture at the end of the credits!  
  
END 


End file.
